i feel sick all the time. emotionally. i'm always dreading work. and i hate my own feelings because my work isn't even that hard or draining. i managed to force myself to do work on time (for the first time in months) and i liked it! i enjoyed what i was doing. but prior to today i was dreading it so much and straight up thinking if i should try to leave my job. i feel stupid. i tell myself i'm stupid all the time. i've never done thst before. i don't know where or how i picked it up. my issues with work and nihilism used to be completely environmental. i blamed my old workplace, i blamed the multiple crises in my relationships, and i blamed my home life. and i think i was accurate. now i can't help feeling that i'm a piece of shit for feeling this way when my job is literally fine and my workplace is fine. or maybe it's not and i'm just being repressed again.
my dissociation has just gone up and up and up too. system communication is really wonky nowadays.